i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
