if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish you could order shots online.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
