And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
