Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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