I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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