Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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