this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
