he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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