He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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