well you can't waste a boner
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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