just come out here and I will go home with you...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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