I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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