Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
