4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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