homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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