MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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