Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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