Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
