I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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