I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
