What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
