don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
