mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
