if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize