I'm going to rape someone's good day.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
