The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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