I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
