I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Welp...herpes.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
