WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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