If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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