woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
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