Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
