My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
