to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
