I think I can smell my own vagina right now
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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