As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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