I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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