what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Randomize
