and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize