Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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