just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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