Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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