why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
