You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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