Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
