You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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