sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
