Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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