I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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