I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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