I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
