we made out on top of his cat.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
