So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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