Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
