I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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