maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
