he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
