hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
