I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
