I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
